They should love me.
I mean, maybe they do, but I don't even know what it is.
You spend your whole life thinking you're not getting it, people
aren't giving it to you.
Then you realize they're trying and you don't even know what it is
– Mad Men
In celebration of Lana’s new album dropping, I’ve decided to make a guest appearance on my own blog — I say this because it’s been ages since I’ve glanced around my corner of the web, but now that I have, I felt the site in need of a pretty drastic update, as I had out-grown the moody and, well, let’s just say it, “emo” look of the past era of “Kateri’s Theories” (for those of you who have stuck around, I hope you like the changes I’ve made to the blog’s appearance!).
Now that I’ve dusted off the cobwebs, I think a brief update on my life and writing is in order:
This past May, I was lucky enough to have one of my poems — and a personal favorite of mine at that — published in The Adroit Journal. You can find the poem here, but I urge you to read the whole issue. They always make real stunners.
From a birds-eye view, however, I haven’t been up to much in my personal life — just running around with friends, desperately trying to drink in my city, my room, who I’ve tried to be these past few years before I ship out to college and grow apart from the Allen, Texas me. I want no detail lost, and yet I feel I’m missing something, there’s a gap. I need to know what it was we were all chasing, who we were then, what sort of image we were playing at.
There’s something about every space I’ve visited in my city, how it contains a disconnected and jangled mess of the pieces of me from the different eras of my life; I feel like there’s a conclusion about myself I need to grasp before I leave forever, before I grow so far apart from this version of myself, but it’s difficult to realize what “it” is when all my emotions feel glossy and trodden. But I think at the end of any year, I always admire who I was striding into it, when I was free-roaming and less self-aware.
I was jolted recently, however, by a quote from the AMC series Mad Men, pictured at the beginning of this post. I’ve undergone countless exhausting inter-personal and relationship issues this year alone, and through it all, I’ve been left with the impression that I’ll never be loved in the capacity that I want, by the people I love. This quote, in contrast, pushes the issue back on the subject, making me realize that maybe people really are trying to understand, to be a part of my life, and maybe the true problem rests in me relying on others to fill the lack I feel in myself.
In closing, I promise that I’ll have a more organized, substantial post up soon. In the meantime, enjoy the dazzling music of Summer 2017!